


Rewriting History

by Writerofthemoors



Category: The Folk of the Air - Holly Black
Genre: Angst and Feels, F/M, POV Jude Duarte
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-26
Updated: 2019-10-09
Packaged: 2020-10-28 21:28:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20785331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Writerofthemoors/pseuds/Writerofthemoors
Summary: Jude Duarte is summoned to Elfhame by her sisters and is struggling to sort out her feelings. She realizes there have been changes in the kingdom, and there is a plan to sneak Jude into the palace to talk to the High King. Jude isn't sure if she wants to kill Cardan or kiss him, and she battles with her emotions as they prepare to confront him.





	1. Chapter 1

I don't make it for Locke's funeral. I wasn't even sure Faerie had funerals, but Vivi told me that Taryn insisted on it, even though she was the one who did him in. It was proper, she said. That gave me a good laugh. 

Still, Taryn wanted me there. Not during but after, when she had to go home by herself and deal with what she had done. Vivi told me to wait until nightfall, where she would meet me at the edge of the forest and walk me up to Taryn's home. As if I do not know the way myself. As if I had not walked there countless times. I hated to admit that it is safer this way, knowing that I'm not allowed into Elfhame. Did I think Cardan would actually kill me? No. But just the thought was grating on me. Was this not my home? And now I have to lurk in the shadows in order to comfort my sister after the (fantastic) death of her asshole husband.

I pace the outskirts of the forest, stepping on pine needles and getting sap under my boots, until Vivi shows up. 

"C'mon," She says, her fingers brushing against my arm. "Stay low."

I follow behind her as the darkness gets even darker. I've gotten sloppy. I trip over sticks and feel branches loudly slap against my legs. Gone were the days of stealth, of spying and cheating and lying. Well, no. I'm still lying. 

Taryn's house comes into view and there is light in the windows. I'm nervous, I realize. Why am I nervous? But there is a pounding in my ears. Who's going to be there? Who?

When we enter, Vivi pushes me right up the stairs. No one else is here, but she's being careful. When I enter Taryn's bedroom, I'm struck not by my sister mourning, and not by the magic of seeing her again, but of disgust at seeing the bed that she shared with Locke. I push that aside because she stands and comes to me, and I'm overcome with embarrassment. I'm dressed in jeans and boots and a ratty black hoodie that Vivi used to wear years ago. Comfort and color, that's what I was worried about. But Taryn is sheathed in a dark lace gown. I can feel the delicacy of it when she wraps her arms around me. 

"I'm sorry I couldn't be there for it," I breathe against her. I picture us as two matching puzzle pieces, together at last. Any anger that I held for her before has melted in the moment.

"It's okay. It was horrible, though."

"I'll stay the night--" I look out the window and note that the sun will be coming up in a few hours. A pang of sadness hits me at the transition I've made. It had been a long time since I slept during the day. "I mean, I"ll stay while you rest."

"Thank you." She untangles from me and goes to Vivi behind me. I look out the window to the landscape that I used to know so well. Nothing has changed. And yet I have spent all my time scraping by with a bunch of mortals back in Maine. I don't belong there, but I must live there. 

I sigh. 

Hours pass. We talk about final straws that pushed Taryn to the edge. She hadn't killed him herself, this much I could have guessed. She had someone from the the court do it, which I know very little about. This pisses me off, being out of the loop, but it was inevitable. I have so many questions. Like, how could this be agreed on without Cardan's approval? Which leads to, did Cardan know and let his friend be killed? And also, was Locke annoying enough that it was easy to get someone to agree to it? That is a stupid question. Of course he was. 

The entire time we talk, curled up on her bed, Taryn stays awake despite having quite a long day. We talk about almost everything in our lives, but all of us carefully avoid the one thing -- the one person -- that I won't talk about. 

For awhile.

"I think you have to talk to her about..." Vivi nods towards a table by the door. There is a piece of paper folded on it. 

"What?" I ask. 

"There's been changes in the kingdom," Says Taryn, avoiding my eyes. "He's--"

My body stills. They notice. Cold creeps over me. I don't want to talk about him.

"Cardan has distributed new laws. Regarding mortals." Taryn speaks carefully so as not to scare me. 

"What do you mean?" I say through gritted teeth. 

"He's created restrictions on which mortals are allowed in the kingdom. And he's been enforcing it for..." She looks to Vivi. "How long now? It started a few months after you left, so probably about a year now."

"What kinds of restrictions?" I look to Vivi. "You're kidding me, right? How can he stop mortals from passing through?"

"He isn't stopping them from coming in. He's limiting it. They have to go through questioning if they're going to stay here. It isn't the way it was when we just showed up with Madoc." Taryn crosses the room to get the paper. She hands it to me. 

The language is ridiculous. But it outlines everything they said, ending with "Punishment by death." The drama of it all is just a bit too much for me to bear, but that all flies out of my head the minute I see the signature. Cardan's scrolling handwriting. Immediately I can see the paper with my name on it. Jude Jude Jude. Over and over. I shiver at the haunting memory. 

"Is this..." I swallow hard. "Is all of this just so I won't be allowed back in? Because..." I smile bitterly. "I didn't work."

"I'm not sure what the reasoning is. He's never said. Of course, people talk around the the court." Taryn looks down. "I've heard people say it was due to the betrayal he felt from you."

"Betrayal?!" I spit. "You've got to be--"

"I know, Jude. But most of the rumors say that you tricked him into trusting you and then you murdered his brother."

"To be fair, you did do that." Vivi smiles like a fiend. 

"But--" I try to argue. 

"It doesn't matter," says Taryn. "The point is that he's got knights stationed at most entry points, the most popular ones. But Vivi knows this place pretty well so she experimented with one area that we could sneak you in." 

"Ridiculous," I mutter. 

"But even if you were caught..." Taryn looks at Vivi and then to me. "I don't know how much of this is about you."

"Ah," I say. And I try to laugh. "I knew I'd be forgotten soon."

"No, it's not that." Taryn plays with the lace at the cuff of her sleeve. It makes me nervous to see her so nervous. 

"What is it, Taryn?" I lean closer to her. 

"Before Locke..." She can't finish the sentence. "I would hear things. Things he discussed with his friends and with the king."

I grind my teeth and want to tell her to just call him Cardan. "What things?"

"I don't know exactly what happened with you, but I got the feeling that he was...looking for you." Her eyes raise to search mine. Looking to penetrate, looking for answers. I try to stay neutral. We may have come to a mutual understanding, Taryn and I, but there is much that I cannot tell her.

"Why would he look for me if not to kill me?" I work to keep my tone light, even joking. 

Taryn says nothing, only looks too Vivi. Vivi is looking at me. 

"Jude, do you really think he would kill you?" Vivi asks. And in that moment I am furious that they know as much as they know, which is probably not much, but is more than I am comfortable with. Because, no, I don't think he would or could kill me. 

I shake my head just a little. 

"Now that you're here, I think that maybe--" Taryn reaches for my hand and I realize I have my fingers balled into a fist. I loosen them and feel her cold hand against my clammy one. "I think we should try and talk to him. About what's going on."

"Are you out of your mind?" I say. "We, including me? He will never speak to me." But what I'm really thinking about is how long I've wanted to drive a dagger through his heart. How long I've wanted to see him staring at me in horror while I draw a blade from my pocket. And then there's something else. A surge of something that starts trickling through me. The possibly of seeing him. The idea of being near him. I--

"No, I don't think I can do that." I shake my head. "Why do you need me, anyway?"

"He won't talk to me about anything important," Says Taryn, as if it's obvious. "He hates me. But now we have something that he wants." She motions to me. 

I frown. "He doesn't want me." But as I say the words I feel a blooming of hope. It makes me shake to involuntarily hope for anything between us. I sit on my hands to control the tremors. 

"I'm sure he does." Taryn forces me to look at her. "I spent enough time with him and Locke. He wants you for whatever reason. And he might talk to you about these new restrictions and regulations. Because the whole place is beginning to feel..." 

"It feels like there's a storm brewing." Vivi says it dramatically, like she's narrating a film. 

"He will never speak to me," I repeat, but my voice isn't strong anymore. Because the truth is that I want to get close enough to kill him. 

And because I want to see him. 

"It's not just that," Vivi says. "You're existence back in Maine is sad. Seriously, you have a job and you slay some fey on the side, but you're not living."

"What?!" I yelp. 

"You're sad." 

"Don't be such a jerk," I cross my arms over my chest. 

"No, I don't mean that you're lame. I mean you're sad. You aren't happy. Maybe you can come back to this shithole of a place and have a life. I don't want to!" Vivi holds her hands up in defense. "But you two mortals really seem to love it here."

"What we mean is that this could solve a few problems. And answer some questions." Taryn squeezes my hand. "Don't you have any questions?"

I can only look at her. The questions are practically overloading my mind.

"We called The Bomb," Vivi says. 

"You what?!" I stand too quickly. My head swims.

"She's gonna get you in." 

"Not now," I say. "I'm not..." Ready. I'm not ready. But there is a knock at the door downstairs and Vivi leaves. I'm quiet while they climb the stairs and meet us back in the room. 

The sight of The Bomb takes my breath away. She smiles at me in a way that almost makes me cry. I forgot how it was to be missed. 

"Let's talk privately, okay?" She says. 

\-----------------------------------------

"You don't have to be back in the mortal world for anything, do you?" 

I think of my shitty job at a coffee place and shake my head. Good riddance. If this works out, I won't ever have to go back. I still have yet to decide what "If this works out" might mean. 

"Good. I just left the palace to come here, and he's antsy. Is it possible that he knows that you're here?"

I stare at her because I have no idea what to say. "Uh...?"

"Cardan! He's been on edge. It means it might be harder for us to get close to him alone."

I audibly gulp. I have no idea if I want to be close to him anymore. "How are we getting inside?"

"I'm going to usher us over when the sun comes up, which should be soon. I know a way that shouldn't pass too many others. And even if we see people, we're going to dress you as Taryn."

"Right," I say. "Why will we say that Taryn is there with you?" 

"I honestly doubt anyone will say anything. Taryn is supposed to be mourning Locke. They won't want to engage in conversation with her about it." She looks up at me suddenly. "Can you act sad?"

I nod. It will take very little effort. 

"We'll take you to the Court of Shadows. You can rest up. Then at nightfall, we'll go to the revel and you can talk to him then. I'll give him a message that Taryn wishes to speak with him privately. He's going to assume it's about Locke, and then you'll get him alone."

I'm actually sweating at this point. I can't do this. I can't do this. 

But I'm going to. 

Vivi and Taryn are discussing the plan and preparing for me to leave while I stand in the hallway in a daze. What happened to me? I used be sharper, I used to be able to take a lot more than this. Not anymore.

I hear their voices fading in and out until all I'm seeing is the revel that I'm expected to attend. I imagine his face. Wide eyes. Or maybe annoyance. I have no idea what he feels for me anymore. But once that scene plays out in my mind enough times, I move on to something else. My hand moves to the pocket of my jeans. I can feel it, the round shape of it through the denim. I pick it out of my pocket and run my finger over the little gold thing. A button, pulled from his shirt. And I am back there again, after we said our vows.

Us under covers. His hair covering one eye while he looks at me. It was a safe place, that night. The ring felt heavier on my finger. All of our kisses were soft, like we were apologizing. The hours dragged on and I didn't want to leave the bubble around us. But sleep claimed us both, and we woke with a start. I felt the bubble burst. 

Before I left his chambers I used a moment of his distraction to pull the golden button from the neck of his blouse that lay limply on the floor. It was a knee-jerk reaction, something I didn't understand at the time. And yet I kept it with me, a charm of sorts. Maybe something to rub more salt in the wound. What was it about the two of us? Why do we both enjoy our own pain this much?

I change into one of Taryn's dresses. Vivi attempts to braid my hair into something that my twin might wear. The navy dress has pockets, and I slip the button discretely inside. Then I slide the ruby ring off my finger. It has become so a part of me that I almost forgot to remove it. That goes into the pocket after the button. I hug my sisters and follow The Bomb outside. 

"Are you ready?" She asks as we head off. 

"Yes," I say, but I am not. 

"Good. You must prepare yourself." She turns and there is a glint in her eye. "There is much you do not know."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jude sneaks into The Palace of Elfhame disguised as Taryn to speak to the High King privately. But when the two of them are finally alone, Cardan's hard mask cracks, and his true intentions shine through. Jude panics and tries to escape, struggling to find a way to stay in Elfhame without being killed. The biggest question she has for herself is if she will be able to end his life if he intends to kill her, or if she would simply go back to the mortal world.

The Palace of Elfhame is how I remember it, and yet it is not. The towering ceilings have rows of stained glass that I have admired for years. Sunlight glows through them, and specks of dust feather through the beams of light. There are many memories here that I'm not ready to recall, but they swarm back against my will. The horror during the coronation ceremony. The embarrassment of revel after revel while I was still serving as seneschal, having to check that Cardan wasn't too inebriated to fall for something stupid. And also, elsewhere in these palace walls, I can remember sneaking around with our precious High King, how he used to gasp at my touch. 

I push that away ardently. 

Yes, the palace looks similar, but the vines that crawl up to the tallest windows are leafless. The few that have vegetation are dry and browning. Energy in the air has shifted and it isn't lost on me. After a few minutes of reminiscing I am pulled back to the present as The Bomb strings me along, and we pass rooms and hallways that are all too familiar. She sneaks me into the Court of Shadows and into a private room where I rest. When I wake it takes me a few minutes to come back to myself. I'm back in Elfhame. I'm posing as Taryn. 

I can't fuck this up. 

The Bomb hasn't told anyone else that I'm here, and I think that's for the best. There's a dagger hidden in the folds of my dress and a much smaller blade tucked into my left sleeve. We've talked over a few plans, most of which involve me spending long enough at the revel to make an appearance so that it seems natural that Taryn might be seen around the court in the future. Some of this might involve dancing. I wonder how hard it will be to conceal the weapon at my wrist. 

When we arrive I'm shaking just a little.

"I want you to be positive you can do this," The Bomb say quietly as we approach the revel. 

"I am. I just need to get him alone-" I'm cut off as several guests brush by in a rush of excitement. I keep my face serene when they pass.

It takes so much effort to pretend to be Taryn, which is almost unbelievable to me. When we were young we barely had to work to be interchangeable. Being a twin means that from the moment you're born, you're defined by the existence of someone else. For a long time we were almost one person, acting exactly the same. Now I struggle to remember her mannerisms, her dainty tilting of her head when she receives a compliment. My initial reactions are always going to be too quick now, too aggressive. I straighten my shoulders while I practice her smile and her sheepish bow. 

"Perfect," Says The Bomb. "Let's go."

It's loud. Louder than I'm used to. Fey are in ornate costumes and there is some kind of dance number being performed in the middle of the room. All of the entertainers are wearing masks and as I cautiously step closer, I can see members of the court watching in awe. Many of them are already drunk, which makes my life easy. My mission is to find the High King, get him alone, demand answers, and then maybe kill him. But if I can get my hands on him long enough to kill him, I'm sure it is the last thing that I will want to do. 

The Bomb is already gone. She disappeared in the crowd as soon as we walked in, and as I move around the crowd that is mesmerized by the dancing, I see a small cluster of faeries near the throne. And I knew this was going to happen, right? But I'm still not prepared. Because I see him, I can see him laughing with a few fey that I don't recognize. Something jolts through me and I want to kill him. I want to pluck the blade from my sleeve and slit his throat in front of everyone. I want to force him to admit to his people that he married a mortal. I want him to beg me for forgiveness. But as soon as those thoughts are out of the way, I'm thinking of other things. I'm looking at his face, which is so much more beautiful than I was able to conjure up in my mind while I was living in Maine. Even now when I see him like this, so blissfully happy knowing that I am in exile, I can't help but feel a tug at my heart. I know how it feels to kiss him. I know what it's like to lay beside him. Is his hair longer? Have I ever seen it this long before? Something warm is curling in my stomach.

I want to throw up. 

Before I can think of anything else to do, I am moving to the edges of the revel, heading to the shadowy hallways that line the main room. But I'm not quick enough. The Bomb is rising the steps towards the throne and I stumble over my dress at how fast I'm trying to get out of his line of sight. My breath is ragged as I find a column to duck behind, but I can't resist watching her speak to him. He tilts his head up and says something to The Bomb before dismissing his new friends. Then he gives her a stiff nod. His face transforms to something stoic, something I'm not used to seeing. It hurts to look at him. I'm in so much pain.

And then he nods to her and sits a bit straighter in the throne while he takes a sip from his goblet. His eyes roam over the room, combing over those in his presence. 

Oh. He's looking for me. 

I'm still standing halfway behind the column when he sees me. For a moment his face is blank. My heart feels like it might run itself out from beating so hard and fast. But in an instant, a cruel smile drips over his face and he stands and dismisses The Bomb. 

I'm suddenly not sure that I can do this. No, no. How could I find a way out of this? If I left, he would surely follow. That might put us both at risk for not being close to The Bomb and the Court of Shadows. And besides, when did I get so weak? He deserves to have a dagger stabbed through his heart, and he surely doesn't deserve me pining after him this foolishly. 

In a fit of luck, some pretty little faerie stops him on his way to me and says something to catch his attention. As soon as I am out from under his gaze I am walking away. It's foolish, I know, but I was wrong before. I'm not ready to do this, and I can't let my friends rely on me when I'm such a mess at the moment. Maybe in a month or so I can try this again...maybe...

I walk briskly down a flight of steps and it's only then that I realize I am heading towards my old rooms. The footsteps that creep behind me are unmistakable. 

"What are you doing here, Twin?" Cardan's voice grates on me. I don't enjoy the way he would interact with my sister, but I have bigger problems than that. I'm still shaking. 

"I wanted a word," I say, bowing to him as delicately as possible. He gets close enough that I can smell the nevermore on him, which gives me an edge of confidence. Tricking him might not be so hard. 

"Is this about your beloved?" He gives a tight smile, his eyes are dark. I hate when he gets like this. But his choice of words makes me smile wryly. 

"Yes. As a matter of fact, I came to speak with you about my husband." My snarl is genuine, and I open my mouth to reveal myself when he steps very close to me, startling me. 

"You will let me speak," He says, the melodious tone of his voice giving away the glamour that he's trying to weave. I'm genuinely shocked, which makes my blank expression believable. "Come to me," He purrs. 

I step closer and hope he doesn't take my hand and see the missing tip of my finger. I hope he doesn't feel either blade through my dress. But I also want his hands all over me, so badly that my cheeks heat. 

His fingertip traces the line of my jaw and he tilts my face up to gaze at me. 

"You are so like her," he murmurs. "I hate looking at you and seeing her." Something sad tugs at his eyes and he looks to my lips. 

I'm terrified.

"Tell me where your sister Jude is," He commands. 

"She resides in Maine with our sister Vivienne," I say, keeping my voice as even as possible. 

"And what does she occupy herself with there?" He asks mockingly, though there is a hint of something underneath, as if he is afraid to know the answer. 

"She has several forms of employment. She takes care of her brother. She-"

"Is she safe?" He snaps. He's hanging on my answer, and I speak just a little too late. 

"She is safe most of the time."

He nods to himself, seemingly pleased with that answer. "Will she come back here?" His face is so close to mine. His desperation is so evident that I feel something ache within me. 

"No."

His expression crumples. "Why do I bother with these thoughts?" He laughs bitterly while touching my shoulder. "I never feel satisfied by your answers."

When I don't say anything he leans closer to me before backing up and thinking better of it. "Does she ever speak of me to you?"

I honestly don't know what to say, so when I open my mouth and nothing comes out, his eyebrows raise. I begin to panic. Say something. I have to say something. 

"She does," I breathe. 

Something clouds his vision. He starts to smile just a little, a quirk that I've come to recognize from him as nervousness. 

"Does she speak of how she hates me?" His smile only gets bigger, but he sounds scared. 

I can't answer. 

"Tell me," He says, though now he sounds like he's pleading.

"No," I gulp. I don't know which of his questions I'm answering. I can feel both of my blades, I can picture myself driving them through his chest or slitting his throat. But I know I can't do either of those things. 

He backs away from me even more. This irrationally makes me want to step closer to him. His tall figure, clothed in a velvet cloak with elaborate embroidery, sways just a little. His eyes are gleaming. I think he is almost done with me. He's going to turn away from me. 

"Cardan," I call out. Whatever is in my voice stops him. He's so still, so attentive. Taryn wouldn't have addressed him that way.

Shadows fall over his face as he steps closer to me. His eyes are wide, but when he leans in close enough for me to smell him, they turn to slits. 

"I-" I think about what it is that I'm supposed to be doing. I need to tell him the truth now. I need to figure out what it is that he wants from these new rulings. I also need to find out if he would actually put my to death for being here, and then kill him first if that's his plan. 

Instead I slide to the left, feeling the scratching of stone on my back. He looks at me incredulously, almost like he's in a dream. 

"Where is my good and ever just High King?" Comes a terrible voice from behind him. Nicasia. Her footsteps stop and I can see the indigo of her hair curling down her shoulders. She sees me, and I run. 

I don't hear them follow me. Why would I? I escape from a side exit and the cool air hits me. I'm so angry at myself. What has changed? What's made me this way?

The grass is muddy from recent rains and the hem of my dress is already soaking when I'm halfway across an open field. I can smell the water before I see it, salty and wild and horribly known to me. The rocky cliffs are sharp and dangerous when I hit them. I don't remember what it's like to be like this, to be completely out of control. Every other time that I've scared myself was due to calculated risks, things that were difficult for me but were necessary for my survival. 

Now I'm just scared. 

I drop to my knees on a rough boulder and the sea is furious below me. A storm is picking up and the wind is whipping my hair out of its intricate style. Taryn's dress is ruined. I'm completely horrified to realize that I'm crying, with warm tears streaming down my face. I swipe them away and look out to the sea, thinking about my next move. I haven't ruined things completely, have I? Cardan seemed drunk, he may not remember Taryn acting odd. 

Rain begins to pelt down as I remove the small blade from my sleeve. Things clearly aren't going according to plan. But I can get them back on track. I can-

"Jude."

I turn sharply to see Cardan on the rocks not far behind me. His cloak has been discarded and the wind is billowing his cream colored blouse. I remember all too well the moment I saw him when I returned from the Undersea. This is different. He reminds me more of the cruel boy that I went to classes with than the High King. He looks at me like he doesn't know what to make of me, and I feel the same about him. 

I stand, working hard to maintain a firm posture as the waves become violent behind me. The blade digs into my fingers as I stare him down. I wonder for a moment what he would do if I jumped into the waves below. The thought is so appealing that I turn back to look at them so I can gauge my chances at survival. If he feels anything for me anymore, that would surely hurt him. 

It gives me a thrill to think of doing something for the sole purpose of wounding him. I suddenly feel like my old self. I turn back to look at him and see him smiling again in his nervous way. 

"So what now, King?" I yell against the wind and waves. "Are you going to have me killed?" I keep my gaze severe on him and hope that I look murderous. 

He looks like he's thinking of a way to answer. The wind picks up even worse and it occurs to me that he's causing the storm. The thought pricks me in a familiar way. Ah, the sting of pain is back. Is he this distraught over my stepping into his kingdom again?

He still hasn't answered. I take a step closer to the edge of the cliff. His eyes widen as if just realizing what I'm threatening. He takes a step towards me, his arms going out as if to grab me even though I'm too far away from him. 

I laugh, high and loud. I flash him a knowing look. "I thought not."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some more angst here because that is the only thing I care about between these two. Thanks for reading! Final chapter will probably include OOC happiness between them. We'll see.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jude and Cardan discuss his recent changes in the kingdom of Elfhame and their feelings towards each other. A war is approaching, and they both are desperately trying to find a way to make it through safe and together. Jude decides her best option is to stay in Elfhame and protect the High King. This concludes with a glimmer of hope at their future.

He's dragging me by the arm and I'm unable to register how he got to me so quickly. Electricity emits from where he grasps me and I follow, numb and stumbling, towards the palace. 

"You'll keep up this act as your sister," he commands. "Do not run. When we get to the palace I want you to follow me. Yes?"

I open my mouth to protest, to mock his commanding me, but something stops me. There is fear in his eyes. It reminds me suddenly of after the slaughter at Dain's coronation. The way the two of us clung to each other, bickering and fighting for power, all the while trying to keep each other alive. So I nod once, sharply. 

The palace floors are under me and I can hear the wet sloshing of my dress around my ankles. As soon as we're surrounded by walls again I can see the change in Cardan's stance. His shoulders broaden. The arrogance is so apparent that I almost turn right around and head back for the sea. 

We don't speak and miraculously there is no one in our way as we make it to his chambers. My skin prickles at the memories but I try to keep my face serene, smooth. My hand finds the small lump in my pocket and I wonder if I'll have the courage to quietly return his button. 

Once inside he locks his door, something I've never seen him do. Then, like a madman, he ambles to the right to pick up a chair and drags it under the door handle. 

"What-" I stand back, stunned and a little amused. "Cardan, what are you doing?"

He whips around and there is a dark gleaming in his eyes. "Do you have any idea how much danger you're putting us in?"

"Us?"

"If anyone realizes you aren't Taryn, they'll come for you in crowds. And I won't be able to do anything about it. They'll tear you limb from limb."

I laugh humorlessly. "As if it would matter to you."

"Don't," He says, beginning to pace. "I don't have the patience."

"Don't what?" 

"Jude!" He realizes his mistake and controls himself, speaking quieter. "Have you any idea how many people want to kill you? Dangerous people? Orlagh. Probably Madoc."

I scoff at that. 

"There's much you do not know," He snarls, coming at me as if to hurt me. But he freezes and then shrinks away to continue pacing. 

His words stir something in me. "The Bomb told me the same thing. What don't I know?"

"Why is The Bomb infiltrating my court by bringing you here?" He shakes his head. "Filling you in would mean accepting you're staying here, which is something I won't do."

"I'm here, and I intend to stay," I say, though it might be a lie. 

"I'm trying to-" He clutches at the air and balls his hands to fists. "You drive me to insanity!" 

"I want to know what's going on. I deserve to know, don't I?" 

He stares at me like he's trying to figure out the answer and then he drops down to sit on his bed, his head resting on his hand. "A war is on the horizon. I'm trying desperately to stop it." He stares down at the carpet below. "I'm not cut from the right cloth to rule under these conditions."

"What are these new laws and regulations about?"

He glares at me. "I'm free to create laws as I wish."

"I'm only asking what purpose they serve," I say sharply. "Did you want to prevent me from returning this badly? It didn't work, in any case."

The rage returns to him as he sits up straight. "They are to protect mortals. Not to keep them out."

"Oh really?" I say, astonished. "You sure wanted to keep me out."

"Have you been safe?" He quips. "Have you been attacked? Has your home been invaded? Has anyone chewed off another one of your fingers?"

I think to the trouble I've gotten into back in Maine, and I have to admit that all of it was initiated by my looking for work. No one has hunted me down from Elfhame. 

"Exactly," He says at my silence. "There had to be repercussions for Balekin. You must have known that. But the exile served another purpose entirely." At those words he looks at me, eyes roaming over me as if for the first time. "Come here," He commands. 

I stand right where I am, straightening up a little.

He sighs. "Please, come here," He says, defeated. He holds out his hand and something pulls inside of me. I go to him and he slides his hand down my arm and finds my fingers. "Where is your ring?"

"I-" I feel it in my pocket but I don't want to admit to that. "I took it off."

"Why?"

"Why would I want it?" I say, meaning to sound harsh but instead I just sound wounded. 

He drops my hand. "It was also meant to protect you. "

"Meaning?" I feel a flutter in my chest. 

"It doesn't matter now, it's gone." The coldness has dropped from his face and instead he looks past me. Sadness replaces it, and it's something that I recognize, something I've seen in the mirror all these months. 

I fish in my pocket and draw it out, and the red gleam of the ring catches his eye. "Put it on, will you?" He sighs again and rubs his shoulder anxiously.

"Since when have you been so concerned with the wellbeing of mortals?" I mumble, sliding it back on my finger where it belongs.

He looks up at me, the arrogance threatening to return. When he speaks, it's stiff. "Have you noticed any mortal servants around?" 

"Well-" I stop to really think. No, now that he mentions it, I haven't. "You-"

"I got rid of them. No-" He puts his hands up. "No, I mean, I let them go back to the mortal world. They don't belong here."

I know it's meant to sound like a sting but instead it sounds like what it really is to him: an admission. 

"You're restricting mortals in Elfhame to protect them?" I ask, stepping to stand between his legs so he will look up at me. 

"I'm trying to save them," He whispers. "When the war begins, none will be spared." The fear is so evident on his face that I want to embrace him, I want to touch the side of his cheek, I want to run my hands through his hair and-

"Do you hate me?" I say instead, gulping. Trying to distract myself. "Tell me which things were true about our last night together."

"All of it was true," He says. But the seriousness is gone, replaced by a smirk that I hate, hate, hate. "Have you been thinking about me all this time?"

I'm close enough to slay him, but the adrenaline that courses through my veins is threatening to do something else with him. "Were the vows real?"

"Yes."

"That makes me Queen."

"Why are we going over logistics?"

"You were going to let the Queen of Elfhame live out her days in the mortal realm?"

"Until it's safe? Yes." When I begin to protest he grabs both my arms and brings me closer. "You are the crown as well. If I am butchered in this war you will be safe, Jude. You understand? Please don't make this more difficult than it already is. Just go back to where you were until you receive word that the war is over." He lets me go and turns his head as if he can't look at me anymore. 

But there is a swelling in my chest. The idea of leaving, of going back to live in the mortal realm is not an option. I won't go back. But that isn't what hurts me so much. It's what he says about the war, about the possibility of him being butchered. How sure is he that the war will be this bad? That he might have to leave me with the crown? 

"Nothing will happen to you," I say, and I barely touch his cheek with my fingers. "They won't be able to kill you because I will not permit it."

He smiles at me and looks like he's going to say a smart ass remark, but his smile drops and he pulls at my shoulder to bring me to him and we collide onto the bed. I kiss him and kiss him and keep kissing him. I'm never going to stop. I'm going to love this monster for the rest of my pathetic life. He's clawing at me like he might never be able to touch me again, and through small breaks between us, he says my name over and over. I silence him by biting his lip and the two of us fall into a familiar dance. My daggers, along with the rest of what I'm wearing, fall to the floor. I know the gold button is stashed in the pocket of the discarded gown, and I decide I'm going to keep it. 

\------------------------------------------------------------------

Days later, I make my way to Hollow Hall and pray that no one sees me and questions where Taryn is supposed to be going. I'll be playing my twin for as long as we can keep the gig going. But the evidence of impending war is everywhere, and I wonder why I hadn't noticed it upon my first arrival. Cardan was right, there are no mortal servants in his old home, or anywhere else in Elfhame. But there are still workers that I need to avoid, and I do so by sidestepping and hiding and dashing up the stairs when there is a free space. 

Entering his room again is frightening, especially when I remember the last time I was in here. I stare at the closet where I'd taken a few of his garments to wear. My bones ache at the memories of returning from the Undersea. But this is our hiding spot, a meet-up point that no one thinks to check. It's easier than explaining why Taryn is meeting the High King at his rooms every night.

Cardan sits at his desk, and for a moment I want to pretend that we are different than we are. What if I had never spied for Dain? What if I had never saved him after the coronation? What if I never crowned him King? Would he have lived this long? Would we still have this pull to each other?

Could we have been happier?

When I close the door he turns to see me and his face relaxes. "How did it go?"

"Madoc is furious with the power he wishes to possess. But I persuaded him on many fronts that his allyship with us would keep the land from perishing and ultimately would maintain stability of the kingdom." I move to the bookshelf where I stole his copy of Alice in Wonderland. "Of course he sees a problem with fighting against the Undersea, but he knows many of the neighboring armies will see things our way."

"When I try to speak with him, he dismisses me," Cardan says through gritted teeth. 

"I don't allow myself to be dismissed." I flash a smile at him. "He also knows that my war games are practiced. And when we all live through the war, we will pass the crown to Oak. He's keeping my being here a secret until then."

"Was he surprised at your marrying me?" Cardan asked. 

"Not nearly as much as I'd like." I frown. "But he agrees we should keep it a secret until the war is done. It only puts us at risk for our enemies to know that we value each other."

Cardan snickers and flashes me a look. "Is that what we're calling it?"

"I value you," I say in defense.

"Oh, sure." He absently scribbles something at his desk. "My affections for you resemble something much more like love."

He's stunned me into silence, and I can tell that he knows it by the grin that crawls onto his face. "The point is that we can stay here, together, until the fighting stops. Then we will be free from the burden of the crown."

"All will be well," Cardan says, distracted. 

"You're preoccupied." I move to see what he's working on. They are maps, with arrows and maneuvers drawn in his elegant hand. It continues to surprise me how easily ruling has come to him, despite what he believes. And not only is it true that he is putting effort into being King, but he is a good one. 

"I have had no mentors to tell me what to expect," He says, face turning pallid. "I was raised with the best of everything, and yet I was not given a suitable mentor or confidant."

There is a tearing inside me as I realize the symmetry in our situations. A painful memory works itself into my brain. Being left alone in the dark woods, the pounding ache of the arrow in my thigh. Wiping tears off my face as I attempted to sew it shut. What if I didn't have to go it alone anymore? I look to Cardan and wonder if I will ever trust him fully again. And yet I know in my heart of hearts that I'll love him despite the answer. 

"What will you do after the war?" I ask carefully. 

"Live out my days doing what I've always had a talent for."

"What's that?"

"Drinking." He smiles at me and tucks a wild strand of hair behind my ear. 

"What will I do?"

"I imagine you will be part of your brother's court. Your experience makes you irreplaceable." He looks away and jokes, "And you'll be free of me." 

I try to gather up some courage. “What if there’s another option?” I breathe. 

“And that would be?”

I stare at him evenly. “We could leave.”

He scoffs. “What are you talking about?”

“We could go somewhere else—” The next word is hard to spit out. “Together.”

“Jude. We are monarchs.”

That makes my breath hitch in my throat. 

“But if and when we crown Oak, we could go away," I say quietly. 

“This is where we've always lived. It's our home.”

“It doesn't have to be.” I try to gauge how he will react. “I don’t want to live this way.”

“What, in the lap of luxury? Please.”

“Cardan,” I plead, and it horrifies him as much as me that I sound so wanting. “I have felt alone my entire life. I never know who to trust. I'm so sick of only relying on myself. My own twin betrayed me. You were the first person I took a risk on, and you exiled me.”

"We've already discussed that," He warns. 

"What I mean is that I want a more comfortable life. I'm going to work very hard to keep us both alive during this war, and then I'll want a soft place to land. And I need to be with someone who-" I shake my head. "I'd like to be with someone who I can feel safe with." 

He puts his hands on his hips and there is a hint of a smile on his face. “You’ve fooled me for so long. This is exactly the opposite of what I imagined you'd want.”

“I’m serious.” I stand and move a bit closer to him, and he doesn’t back away. “I’ve fought through danger my entire life. I’ve endured more than I should ever have to at my age. And so have you. I’m tired, Cardan. And the worst is yet to come."

“But—“

“Are you happy? Are you happy with the way that you’re living?”

He doesn’t answer, he only stares at me with suspicion. I understand. I’ve tricked him before, and he has tricked me. Where is our common ground? 

I reach out to touch his hand.

“We could leave,” I mouth to him. 

“Where?” 

“Anywhere. We could go somewhere far away where no one will find us.”

His eyes are glowing as he searches my face. More than anything I want him to feel my honesty. I'm going to burst from the hope inside of me, which terrifies me more than I can think about. 

“But what will we do with the rest of our lives?” He muses.

My grip tightens on his hand. I push my face closer to him so that I can see his long lashes hit his cheeks. “Whatever we want.” 

He smiles at me, a genuine thing that sends a pang to heart. “Jude Duarte,” He whispers. “You better be telling the truth.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is the ending of my first fanfic. Please let me know your thoughts, I had a lot of fun writing this! I just want these little shits to be happy.


End file.
